Friday, October 9, 2009


I have been giving a lot of thought lately on my kids and what is right for them. I will admit it there are times when I really feel on edge, there are times when I know I screw up with them, it probably happens more often than I would like to admit, but then I always think about it later. I always try to figure out what I could do better next time. I have never thought spanking was really the answer, it just does not make any sense. I have found myself giving a little pop on the hand from time to time, but to be honest I always feel bad for it, I tell myself that it is not a big deal, but then I think *how would I feel if every time I did something that someone else did not like they popped my hand* I would not like it at all. If you try and think about it that way, then it really never makes sense to even give a little pop. I do not know any adults who please everyone all of the time, so why do we expect our children to be capable of that.

I have tried time-out, not really a big fan. It sounds great at first, there is nothing physical so it should be alright. In my experience with my children it was simply a waste of time, they had no idea why they were there and they would usually repeat the behavior later. It seemed like a never ending cycle. My kids also have amazing imaginations so they would just sit there and play with nothing, so if you believe what time-out says that it is all about that would seem to be self-defeating. In essence, time-outs do not work from me, and for some very sensitive children this could really hurt emotionally.

I have also tried various reward based systems, they sound great at first however, they may have led to the biggest disasters. For one thing they were getting the impression that they deserved something material, there inevitably came a time when verbal praise was not good enough. I also began to feel that they were beginning to look for approval from everyone else, they were not thinking about what was important to them as individuals, definitely not the message I want my children to learn.

The most important thing to your child, or any child is LOVE, unconditional love. This the most basic fundamental need for all humans. All actions should stem from LOVE, and ONLY LOVE.

I am not going to tell you that I have it all figured out, because believe me I definitely do not, but I think we should go back to something we all learned when we were young *Treat others the way you want to be treated* some call this the golden rule. Before you do any action, stop and think to yourself *how would I feel if this were done to me*, answer honestly and then proceed accordingly. This way of thinking applies to all aspects of life, not just to children, although they may need more of our attention than others. Remember we are shaping future generations. When it comes to your own children, when you are feeling frustrated take a minute and remind yourself why you had your beautiful little munchkins in the first place.

These are thoughts that I have been having here lately, things have been difficult but this is what I am trying to focus on, regardless of what else goes on in the world I know that I can make a difference to at least a few future world changers, and in turn they will do the same.

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  1. The other perspective I have useful (along with how you would like to be treated) is treat your kids like you would an welcome guest.

    Would we shout to a guest, 'get your feet off the table!'? It's so easy (because they're small, because we've been brought up like that) to talk to children with little to no respect.

    Yep, all from LOVE.

  2. I'm working through this myself with my kids (a 5 year old and 3 year old twins)...I do not spank, but have used both time-outs and reward charts on occasion, but not on an everyday basis...I am trying to limit them only to things that become repeated issues, like when they went through a phase with lots of hitting of each other, we did both a reward chart of 'using words' instead, and time-outs when they forgot and hit...because it was very,very clear what we were focused on, and because it was only for 1 week, it actually worked quite well - it was like trying to create a new habit, and even when we stopped it after one week, there was a marked improvement, their behavior had really change...BUT most of the time, I am completely with you on the 'golden rule', and communicating with respect, and not getting wrapped up in approval-tactics all the time, because I don't want their relationship to others to just be about being 'good' and seeking approval...