Here we are again....

The universe is definitely trying to tell me something. I am once again a SAHM and it was not really by choice. I have spent the past week or so going through a series of emotions, from sad to pissed off to down right angry. I am beginning to have some moments of clarity now. I began to realize today that there have been elements of myself that I have once again forgotten in the craziness that is life. Instead of focusing on the negative and feeling sorry for myself and wondering what happens now I am going to focus on myself and my family and make the best of the situation and hopefully find myself having moments where I am wondering *with excitement* what happens now, what is out there waiting for me. I know I have great things to offer and to share with this universe and all of it's inhabitants. I hope the universe has some great and wonderful things to share with me as well.

Life

Sometimes in life we are put in very unpleasant situations. Sometimes these are in dealing with members of our own families, as with everything in life there are lessons to be learned.

It seems that when we are faced with extreme negativity the universe is forcing us to look at some aspect of ourselves that needs immediate attention. It is as if the universe is screaming at us.

People say hurtful things to one another, try to avoid the temptation to snap back when this happens. Remember that anger is a very powerful emotion with very powerful energy associated with it, try to use it in a more positive way.

Look at your own life and how you are living it, if you know that it is for good, then does it really matter what others say about you. Live your life with service to others as your focus, and try not to worry to much about those who do not understand why you make the decisions that you make.

Balance

I have been having many ups and downs lately. Life has really been a roller coaster ride. I am human, therefore I do experience a variety of emotions. I have noticed that now I can return to peace much faster than I used to. I may have my weak moments but I do realize that it is happening and after allowing myself to have the feelings and then let them pass I can return to a place of stillness.

People keep talking about strength, and the strength it takes to go through these things that I am going through.  I do not see it as strength, because what choice do I have but to figure out some way to deal with it. Don't we all have things to deal with? Regardless of what it may be at the time we are experiencing it we have no choice but to experience it. The choice that we do have is how to experience it. We can choose to experience it with self pity or we can choose to experience it as an opportunity for expansion and growth. Sometimes we have a little of both, after all we are human, and this is a learning experience. That is the way I have chosen to look at the experiences that I have had today. Today I had moments of both. It seems that most days I choose expansion and growth but today I needed to experience both sides of what it means to be human.

As I was having my experience today I really connected with an old friend and through much conversation I remembered why I am here in this universe. Our conversation started with me talking about the goings on of my day but the more we talked and the more I let go I began talking more about her strengths as well as the strengths of others, pointing out the positive. As I did this all of my frustration began to melt away.

We are surrounded by good, sometimes it is hard to see but it is there. Everything is a choice, at least there is a choice in how we choose to perceive things. Life is hard, but it is also wonderful. We must find balance. This sounds simple but, it is so hard. No one can be a wonderful positive person all of the time, if they seem that way then it seems to me that they are fearful of showing the truth. I am most comforted when I see those that I think are so strong and so spiritual also have a human side. That is when I know that I am not alone on this journey, yes I am a strong person, I am usually the one holding others together but sometimes I need others as well, we all need others. This is a very important lesson to learn, for me it was a hard one.

Allow yourself to be open to all experiences the good and the bad. Allow yourself to have moments of strength as well as moments of weakness. You must allow yourself to have both in order to achieve balance.

Take time to tell others how you feel, life is too short to not be real.

Love and Compassion

Take a moment and reflect on your life.

Focus on the highs as well as the lows.

Focus on the people that have come into your life, think about what was going on in your life when they arrived.

If they are no longer present in your life, was there any issue that was resolved while they were a part of it, a weight that may have felt to have been lifted by the time they had moved on.

Everyone that we come in contact with is an opportunity for expansion. This applies to those that have a positive effect as well as those whose impact may not seem so positive. Many times the greatest growth takes place during moments of struggle.

Now focus on any major events that come to mind.

How did they impact your life?

Much like the people that come and go in our life events mold and shape us as well. The events that were joyous and the events that brought us to tears, they are there for us to grow from.

Our own thoughts may be the most powerful of them all. The way we perceive the world around us is very powerful. Our thoughts impact our lives as well as the lives of those around us. Even if we do not act upon those thoughts, once it is in our mind we have put that energy out there. Once the thought is there we cannot take it back.

Approach life knowing that you have a powerful impact on everyone and everything around you. Try and act out of love and compassion. However, we are human and we will make mistakes, we will have thoughts that may not be full of love and compassion, and that is fine. These times are opportunities to learn and expand as well.

Reflect on it, learn from it, and continue on with love and compassion.

Acceptance

It has been so long since I wrote anything. My mom just had surgery not to long ago and no sooner does she get home that she falls again and breaks her arm. I have spent the past two days at the hospital. She had surgery this morning.

The past two days at the hospital she looked so sad. There were many tears shed, and event though this is the fourth surgery of this kind she said that this one was the worst. This was such an awful thing to have to watch. The doctor said that the cancer is literally eating her bones, they are simply crumbling. Since having two surgeries back to back she has missed much of her chemo, which means that the cancer is growing even faster now.

I am normally a very strong person, and I am not looking for pity, but I feel as though I am falling apart. Three different family members in hospitals, family battles over assisted living, financial woes, etc. I am finding it difficult to remember to breathe let alone try to deal with all of this.

I have always listened to my intuition, but I really do not want to hear what it is telling me now.

I am trying to focus on acceptance, but that is so much easier said than done.

Reflections

I had a very drama filled somewhat stressful weekend. At times it brought me to tears, literally.
Now that I have had time to reflect on it and try to find the life lessons that were forcing themselves to be shown to me, one thing seems to be screaming out to me. Now is the time to let go of things that are dragging me down and embrace the things that are lifting me up. This includes people and things even if in the past I have felt an attachment towards these particular things or people.

The main situation that occurred yesterday made me question many things. It made me think that all of my time and effort spent with meditation had all been flushed down the toilet. However, now I realize that quite the opposite is true, all that time and effort spent with meditation is exactly what helped me to get through everything. If it would not have been for the overall sense of peace and tranquility that I have been experiencing the situation would have been much worse. No matter how much I was being attacked I was able to remain calm and focused and not lose my cool.

I am ready to embrace whatever the universe has in store for me, it is full of infinite possibilities.

Truth

Today was a day that I felt quite alone. I know that I am not alone, I know that there are many people there for me, but still I felt alone.

At first I looked upon this with  depressing attitude. After further reflection I realized that sometimes we need to feel this aloneness. Once we move past the sadness we can see things for what they really are, we begin to see all the people that we do have in our lives. We may even realize that there are some there that we did not realize.

I spent most of the day with a very sad outlook, but then it dawned on me...my life is still pretty good.
Sure thre are difficulties...
finances
husband ALWAYS working just to make ends meet
beautiful children to take care of (both blessing and at times cause of some stress)
teenage son (oh so many worries there, but also a blessing)
very ill parents
friends going through rough times
and many more

but, so much to be thankful for...
beautiful girls
wonderful son
hard working and loving husband
friends who I know deep down are always there for me
parents who even though we have had and still have some difficulties do not judge too much
parents who have always been there for me even when I did not make the choices they had originally
              wanted for me
a roof over my head
clean water to drink
food on the table
and soooo much more...

Life is pretty good even when it seems it is at its worst. There is much room for improvement, but we have to work with what we have, and right now this is my life.

We have to take what we are given and make it work...what other choice is there.

Focus on the good things.

Breathe,

Meditate, meditate, meditate.

Breathe.

Love and Light

Transformations

I have found myself wondering why am I now experiencing things in the way that I am. I have found it easier to see the reasons behind things, even difficult things. I have found myself more easily slipping into a meditative state, I have felt deeper connections to people than I have ever felt before. I have felt an overwhelming urge to do what I can to help others and make this world a better place.

I believe that I have always felt this way but it was buried. It seems to have been set free and there is no holding back now. Maybe it is a combination of so many life/karmic lessons being learned in such a short amount of time, or maybe it was simply my time. It could be as simple as I was ready to accept it. Many times in life we find ourselves closed off in a way, and it is not until we are open to acceptance that we could receive it.

I am finally in a place in life that even when bad things happen I can step away and realize that there is something to take away from it, a lesson to be learned. This is not always an easy place to be. There have been many times that I would be accepting of some particular situation that had fallen upon our family but say for instance my husband was not, he would tend to get angry. He could not understand why I was not upset and something about it would make him upset. He is learning to adjust and I hope that he is becoming more accepting as well.

It seems that this is a time of great transformation for many of us, possibly for all if we are willing and open. How could you go wrong with trying to see the positive in things? What harm could it do? There are many lessons to be learned in our lives and our time on this planet, if they are not learned then they will repeat. If we want to find true happiness then we must be willing to examine our lives and see everything as an opportunity for growth.

We are all capable of healing ourselves as well as healing others, we just have to be open and willing to accept others. Once we allow our selves to be open to receive the universe will guide us to what we need to heal and to begin to heal others as well.

I will close with a phrase that I have found myself drawn to lately...
Love and Light

Thankful

Before you continue reading I want to let you know that this may not be the most positive of posts. I am normally a very positive person, but everything is beginning to take its toll. I will try not to get to depressing.

All day I have just felt alone. I am not sure why, I know I have many people there for me, but today it just did not seem that way. My husband is ALWAYS at work. He is working two jobs and still not making the same amount of money that he was before. I am not one to care to much about money but we must have enough to live off of, and at times I am not sure that there is enough.

I love my children, but sometimes I would really like to have some time to myself. I have absolutely no time for myself, and with the hubs working all the time I sometimes feel like a single mom. It would probably not be so bad if there were not so much going on all at once.

As I am writing this I am realizing that I would not want to read it so I am going to switch gears.

My brain is not functioning the way it used to, it is as if it is on overload. I am having great difficulty focusing and dealing with everyday things.

There are moments of peace, almost daily. I cherish those moments. My youngest will just do something that is so sweet that it almost brings a tear to my eye, or her sister can read me a short story and is so proud of herself, those are the things that get me through my day. My oldest son, he seems like an adult already, I feel so proud.

I am glad that I started writing this because it led me in a good direction, it helped me to remember the good things that I have.

It is all about where to put your focus, it is a choice. Anyone could see their life as sad, in much the same way anyone can see their life as great. It is a simple matter of choice.

I choose great.

I have 3 wonderful children.

I have a gret husband who is willing to work as much as he has to in order to provide for his family.

I have the greatest friends in the whole world, I know that they are there for me even though I do not always take advantage of their offer.

There are so many things to be thankful for, take time each day to remember.

Love to all...

Life

Many ups and downs around here.

Mom still in hospital not doing as well as the docs would like.

Little one is quite stressed...she is so sensitive to others emotions and feelings...this whole thing with my mom is taking its toll on her.

Finances...ughhhhhhhh

Electric almost shut off today...just made payment before lights out...whew

I am once again not doing so well at keeping in touch with people as I should...

Which is probably why I am feeling so blah...or at least it is not helping matters...

Tomorrow is a new day...

It will be a good one!!!!!!!

Life Struggles

I have been neglecting writing here. I am not sure why, I have been busy but I do not think that is the reason. I think it is because I have been dealing with life issues and avoiding some others. If I take the time to write about them then they must be dealt with, and even though that is what should be done it is not always what I want.

My mom is having yet another surgery. She has breast and bone cancer, and it is pretty bad. They are replacing a hip (she had the other replaced a while back after it had already broken) they are hoping to replace this one to prevent another break. She has had several preventative surgeries. My dad seems very concerned about this one for some reason, I also seem to be a little more on edge about it.

We have been battling cancer for about two years now and it is exhausting on everyone. My dad also had lung cancer, which thankfully they removed and he has been doing good. He also is battling skin cancer. On top of that he is taking care of my mother, I help when I can but I know that it is not nearly enough.

Today feels very surreal, I am not sure why that is. Our finances are getting worse by the day, I think the girls can sense that things are not good. We try to keep things the same as they always were, but it is hard. Sometimes things slip, my dear youngest is so sensitive to the feelings of others, it is impossible to get anything past her.

I normally do not stress over financial matters as it is useless, but last night I seemed very upset. We are both doing everything that we can but it is so hard, we do not spend near enough time together and then there are so many other stress inducing things happening.

I know we are not given more than we can handle, but at times it seems to come into question.

Sorry for the rant, although I must say there will probably be more in the future. I really wanted to get things off of my chest before I go to the hospital, I do not want to bring any bad energy with me.

Thankful Anyway Thursday

Azure put on a puppet show for us.

Two of the characters, the cat and the skunk.

And here is the puppet master herself!

Azure has always loved puppets, someone gave her one as a gift when she was a baby, and it was love at first sight. She has always had a very vivid imagination, which she loves to express with her puppets.

   

These were pics I took earlier in the week, as I was downloading them to the computer I paused and found myself looking at these for quite some time.

Things have been quite tough for our family for quite sometime, not something I really think about very often. As I sat there staring at these pictures I could not help but be thankful. I am thankful that I do have such a wonderful family. Each day I watch my children at play and it is almost as if I can see them growing up right in front of my eyes. They are turning into amazing human beings, I always knew they would be. Through all of life's ups and downs I can always look at them and know why we do the things that we do, even when it seems like it would be easier to just give up, I just look at these beautiful faces and I know that they are the reason I am here.

I must admit that it would be great if things were better financially, but we can only work with what we have now, no need to stress about it, Stress does not make any situation better, only worse. I just breathe.

When my husband is stressed because he feels that he is not doing enough, when he thinks he should be doing more in order to fill his obligation as the "provider", I just breathe, and remind him to do the same.

When my children are feeling frustrated at something that is going on, I just breathe, and remind them to do the same.

There is always something to be thankful for, it is usually right in front of you.

Just breathe, the hard times will pass. Focus on the positive.

Reflections From The Weekend

What a weekend!
It was full of the usual things of course, but there were also many other things.
My life lately has been chaotic, I have been fine with that but, the other members of my family have not been dealing as well. About a month ago my husband lost his job and now in an attempt to make ends meet is now working 2 part-time jobs, still less money but I think that it is enough. I really do not give much thought to money, but I suppose that to some extent we do need it. My dear hubs however is having quite the hard time dealing with all of this, although I do not think that it has much to do with the current situation, I think that there are many underlying things that he needs to deal with and let go of, then he will be able to be able to move on and be happy.

My darling middle child, who has just started kindergarten, is having a difficult time right now. I am trying to get to the bottom of all of the issues but she tends to put up a wall and can be hard to break through, she has been that way since birth. Deep down I know I wanted to homeschool/unschool, but it just does not seem like the right time. Where we live tends to have a very focused thought when it comes to religion and spirituality and part of that thought is that if you do not believe exactly what "everyone" else does then you are wrong and will "burn in hell". Well, my poor child had her first dealings with this, only in kindergarten mind you and it is a public school (separation of church and state...ha). She is such a sensitive child so it has affected her deeply. We are a spiritual family I am not sure what label we would fit under because I am not a big believer in labels, but she should not have to feel bad about our beliefs. She is out of school for the next couple of days so I hope I can come up with a way to give her some peace with the situation.

I also met with a dear friend who I have not seen in years, who has recently moved back here. It was wonderful to begin to catch up with her. She is also an astrologer so we decided to do some looking into the charts of the members of my family to see if there was anything that may help. It was very enlightening, of course most of it I knew already, but I did get some insight into how to deal with some of the difficulties that have been happening.

I know things are on there way to getting better, even if the rest of my family cannot see it yet, I can see it and things are going to be wonderful we just all have to finish learning this life lesson that is being presented to us.